Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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