well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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