Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
