Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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