I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
