At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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