my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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