This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The Olympian is in my bed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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