I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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