I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
