I wanna bring you to show and tell
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
