I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
