forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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