I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
