It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
