im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
