One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
