So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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