the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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