census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
