Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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