the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
