How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
