I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
