i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
