I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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