You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
