You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
