He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
