It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
