my soul wont recognize me after tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
