According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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