i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
