I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
