Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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