He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
