I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
