Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Drake has all the answers
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
