i think i have two assholes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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