Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
