I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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