I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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