There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
