My liver just broke up with me...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to calm my uterus...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
