Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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