saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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