I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize