she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
