Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
