Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
