I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
