Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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