So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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