Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
