...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
